15wks2ds
Current FB Status:
Linzy needs a big fat break from the almost constant stream of baby... anxiety/uncertainty/research/thought spirals. I wish I had a bathing suit that fit me (without looking like i *might, but not quite, be pregnant* in). I wish David were here to take me swimsuit shopping (I wouldnt inflict that on anyone else). I wish I didnt feel like ick, I want to go to the pool. :(
I'm totally overwhelmed by "this baby thing." I spent most of yesterday on the internet researching cloth diapers. It's definitely something I want to give my best effort to. I just can't stand the idea of putting that much non-biodegradable material into a landfill by using the "easier" disposables. I've got a better idea of what kind I *might* use, but almost everything I read says that personal preference is just that. PERSONAL PREFERENCE. So basically, no matter which diapers are the most highly reccommended, which are the most commonly used, I wont' know which I prefer until I try a bunch of different kinds. Which, Hawaii you SUCK, are only available to me over the internet. which means I won't get to see them until they've been shipped here, and I won't know what my baby likes, what I like until I'm kinda stuck with them. Not to mention the fact that there are about a HUNDRED different cloth diapering options. There are about 4 different TYPES, and then within those types, there are tons and tons of different brands. I have only the slightest of clues of what I want to THINK about MAYBE trying. ::sigh::
So that was yesterday. Last night I went to a friend's house and ended up unloading some of my anxieties on her. The more this pregnancy progresses, the less comforatable I am with the overall idea of "having a baby" and all the meanings of that phrase. I'm freaked out (to use the terminology of my generation) by the fact that I have little to NO experience with newborns/infants/babies. Only through my research have I recently discovered that those three words ACTUALLY MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS!!! Yep, they all refer to different ages/sizes of recently-born humans. "Baby" is a more general term, within which "newborn" and "infant" fit. Who knew? Not me until I Wiki'd it.
I'm also REALLY freaked out by the apparent way that babies come into the world... REALLY freaked. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure that whoever came up with the theory of how people come to exist is really quite the joker and just likes totally elaborate practical jokes. No, I will NOT be watching "The Miracle of Life" any time soon. You can totally see the strings anyway.
Today I'm feeling blueish (which I suppose is better than greenish) because I want a big fat break from the baby-panic and the trying to figure out things I don't know, and trying to make sure I know what I'm talking about before David and I go buy a bunch of baby gear in a week or so, (because he wants to be part of it all, while he can). Anyway, that last sentence doesn't really make sense. The bit about tryign to figure it all out because I want to be prepared when we go to buy stuff is what I want a break from. I'm also rather upset because I want to lay out in the sun and none of my bathingsuits fit me anymore. Most of my bottoms have adjustable ties on the sides, but I like non-adjustable tops (so that when I get hit by a wave, or jump into the water, strategically placed triangles of fabric don't abandon their positions for oh, say, MY ARMPITS. So. I've put on some weight, which is expected, but apparantly my batingsuit tops are no longer willing to *quite* accomodate the new additional heft of well... what bathingsuit tops holster.
And I'm SO not in the mood to go bathingsuit shopping. Is any woman REALLY ever in the mood for bathing suit shopping? I mean, unless you've just met your goal weight, and are feeling fabulous about your body. Which I haven't, and I'm not. Apparently "there are some cute suits at Target, and the Motherhood store at the mall has some stuff too"... I'm mad at the Motherhood store because their stuff is UNNECCESSARILY expensive, and as for Target? I would *like* to find a suit that is adjustable in the back so it can "grow with me" but most of the suits at Target are non adjustable, and would end up looking like I was smuggling a really lumpy (thank you college binge drinking) watermelon.
P.S. What happens to pre-pregnancy belly fat once pregnancy belly starts to take over? Another small thing that I have NO CLUE about.
So I'm not going swimsuit shopping today, unless I have a friend that drags me out of the house, out of pajamas and out into the world. Which is unlikely, because the few of my friends who read this,
Next week is my 16week appointment, and David will be at sea. No huge surprise there, that's how the Navy rolls. I've mentioned before that military medical professionals kinda suck, and that we're going to go into town to find out the gender at 16-17 weeks, instead for waiting for the Army hospital to *maybe* finally give me an ultrasound at 20 or even 24 weeks.
I'm hoping that pictures/seeing it in there will kickstart some kind of excitement and love for... it. Because I'm not feeling it yet. I want to, but I'm... I don't even know. I'm just not there yet. It doesn't help that other friends that are pregnant are so totally into being pregnant, and are already in love with their babies-to-be. I feel like I'm already failing. I'm just glad that my ineptitude can't make the baby cry yet.
